How would a zombie slow down a car that was going way too fast downhill?

Braaakes

How many zombies does it take to fill a house with stacks of old newspapers, random food containers, and piles of junk?

A horde!

What do zombies call a human settlement?

A restaurant.

What do you call a bad Night of the Living Dead rip-off?

A Zom-B movie

Why did the zombie eat off the pool table?

It liked to rack its brains

How many human resistance cells does it take to stop the apocalypse?

Hopefully, only one less than yesterday…

Why did the zombie ransack the Queen’s chair?

It wanted the brains behind the throne.

Why didn’t the dentist like having zombie patients?

The halitosis and, you know, the whole apocalyptic plague thing.

What do zombies call Jeopardy winners?

Delicious.

What’s a zombie’s favorite holiday?

Easter – they love it when someone comes back from the dead

Who’s everybody’s favorite zombie?

Brian – till they realize their spelling mistake

What are even zombies afraid of?

Clowns

What did the zombie want to do when we met up for lunch to talk about its new opportunity?

Pick my brain.

Why did the zombie eat Bob’s nine iron?

Someone had said Bob always had golf on the brain.

What does a zombie plumber love most?

Draaaains

How do you tell the difference between a zombie and a vampire apocalypse?

In a zombie apocalypse the politicians are the only blood suckers

How do you get a zombie to ride a locomotive?

Tell them it’s a traaaain

Why did the zombie leave the weightlifters alone?

They were all brawn and no brain

Why did zombies tear apart the clothing store?

They wanted the brains of the outfit.

How do you trick a zombie into eating something?

Paint it gray

What does a zombie call the four o’clock rush at Denny’s?

A chance to thin the herd

What’s a zombie doctor’s favorite ankle malady?

Spraaains

How would you describe both a zombie ninja and zombie flatulence?

Silent but Undeadly

What do you call a zombie with no arms or legs floating in the ocean toward an isolated island?

Bob the Harbinger of Doom

How do you know everyone at the senior center is a zombie?

The never ending shuffle board tournament.