Why did the zombie wonder around the bow of the ship?
It was looking for the head.
How do you know if an emo band has become zombies?
Both the band and the audience are moaning.
How do you get a zombie to leave you alone?
Show it your test scores.
What does your Aunt call your zombie Uncle’s evening out on the town?
Night of the Living Fred
What does a zombie call a delicious meal?
Braaainy
How do you know the difference between a zombie and a middle-aged man living in his Mom’s basement?
Zombies have goals
What’s the difference between one of my zombie jokes and any other joke?
Other jokes are funny
What’s the difference between zombie jokes and politician jokes?
One has mindless automatons the other has zombies
How do you get a zombie to Carnegie Hall?
Turn left on 57th Street
What’s the most frustrating thing about eating brains for zombies?
Opening (and catching) the packaging.
What scares zombies more than a cure to their contagion?
Clowns
Where do zombies typically go insane?
The membraaane
What’s a zombie’s favorite way to remove water from noodles?
Straaain
What’s a zombie’s favorite type of fence?
Chaaain link
What’s a zombie’s favorite part of a cell?
The membraaane
What’s a zombie’s favorite favorite form of poetry?
Quatraaains
How would a zombie describe his existence?
Mundaaane
What’s a zombie’s favorite way of seeing how the wind blows?
Weather Vaaanes
What do you call a zombie with bad breath?
Normal
What do you call a zombie in clown make up?
Scary
What do you call a zombie carrying a casket?
Paul
How do you know a horde is coming?
“If you’re downwind, Oh, you’ll know.”
How do you know if zombies have infiltrated your holiday celebration?
Your family fights over how smart Uncle Ron is instead of how stupid.
How do you know if Uncle Stan has turned into a zombie?
His breath smells better
What’s a zombie’s favorite movie involving the Vietnam War?
Forrest Gump. What? You thought it would be Apocalypse Now?
What does a zombie call his walking stick?
A Caaane
How does a zombie count to ten?
On fingers, toes, arms, legs, chest hair, whatever it has left…
What’s a zombie’s favorite payment method?
A Smart card
What’s a zombie’s favorite board game?
Cranium
How do you know if the doctor treating you has contracted the zombie contagion?
He orders cranial MRI’s for your foot pain
What’s the difference between zombies and lawyers?
Zombies know they’re causing the apocalypse
How does a zombie get ahead?
By separating it from the body.
Who’s a zombie’s least favorite thing to waste?
A minnnd
What’s the name for a confused zombie’s favorite food?
Brian.
What do you call a zombie horde that’s trapped you in a dead end street?
Whatever they want you to.
What’s a zombie’s favorite movie from the 70’s?
Apocalypse Now
What’s the difference between bad breath and zombie breath?
Bad breath won’t unkill you
What’s the difference between a zombie and a grumpy old man?
A Zombie has bathed more recently.
What do zombies call motorcycle helmets?
Lunch boxes
What’s a zombie’s favorite stratum of society?
The Intelligentsia
What’s the difference between a zombie and businessman?
Marketing.
What’s the difference between an office worker and a zombie?
The undead don’t need health insurance.
What’s the difference between a zombie and a troll?
Zombies spend all day on the internet not under it.
Why did the horde converge on the appliance factory?
They wanted the Smart Fridges
What’s the difference between a zombie and a ghost?
A ghost’s motivation for romantic overtures aren’t as see through
What’s a zombie’s favorite candy?
Smarties
Why did the zombie eat the Android device?
It was a smart phone.
Why did the horde disavow the zombie billionaire?
He only loved his trophy wife for her body
Why did the zombie throw oil and salt at the Parisians?
It wanted French fries.
What would you call a zombie wrapped in toilet paper?
A Daddy. A Mummy would use cloth.
What’s the difference between a zombie and a mummy?
Zombies don’t have any British children
What’s the difference between a swamp monster and a zombie?
Zombies don’t have anything to do with politics
What do you call a zombie with no arms or legs in the ocean?
Buoy. David Buoy
What do you call a couple who got together after the zombie contagion?
Undying love
What’s a zombie’s favorite setting on its music player?
Shuffle
What does a zombie look for in a wife?
Braaains
What did the zombie say after attacking the chic-fil-A mascots?
Where’s the beef?
What did the zombie say after eating the El Pollo Loco mascot?
Tastes like chicken
What’s a zombie’s favorite dental tool?
Retaaainers. What? You thought it’d be Braaaces?
How long does it take a zombie to shovel the front walk?
All nuclear winter
Who did the zombies say won the comedy talent show?
Shawn (of the Dead)
How did the zombie get into an elite boarding school in New England?
“Bribery and wealth, same as everybody else.”
Who did the zombies elect to lead them and represent their interests to humanity?
Dawn (of the Dead)
Why don’t zombies like the afternoon?
They prefer Night of the Living Dead
Who’s a zombie’s favorite singer?
Rob
Why did the zombie attack the queen?
It wanted the brains behind the throne.
What’s the difference between a zombie and a politician?
Braaains
What fight move should you never use on a zombie?
Headbutt
What’s a zombie’s favorite cooking show?
Jeopardy!
What’s a zombie’s favorite county fair competition?
The one-legged race
What’s a zombie’s favorite cooking instrument?
The brainpan.
What would a zombie say about the mind of Leonardo Da Vinci?
Aged to perfection
What does a zombie call the author’s career?
A joke. Wait a second…
How do you know if a zombie’s sophisticated?
It wants to eat your cognitive faaaculties.
Why did the zombie cross the street?
To get away from the clown
How do you know when a zombie’s almost full?
It’s hard to think
Why did the zombie round up more than one human for dinner?
It wanted to pick their brains.
How can you tell if the dealer at your weekly poker game is a zombie?
If he shuffles with his feet.
What do zombies call a stupid person?
Distasteful.
How would a zombie slow down a car that was going way too fast downhill?
Braaakes
How many zombies does it take to fill a house with stacks of old newspapers, random food containers, and piles of junk?
A horde!
What do zombies call a human settlement?
A restaurant.
What do you call a bad Night of the Living Dead rip-off?
A Zom-B movie
Why did the zombie eat off the pool table?
It liked to rack its brains
How many human resistance cells does it take to stop the apocalypse?
Hopefully, only one less than yesterday…
Why did the zombie ransack the Queen’s chair?
It wanted the brains behind the throne.
Why didn’t the dentist like having zombie patients?
The halitosis and, you know, the whole apocalyptic plague thing.
What do zombies call Jeopardy winners?
Delicious.
What’s a zombie’s favorite holiday?
Easter – they love it when someone comes back from the dead
Who’s everybody’s favorite zombie?
Brian – till they realize their spelling mistake
What are even zombies afraid of?
Clowns
What did the zombie want to do when we met up for lunch to talk about its new opportunity?
Pick my brain.
Why did the zombie eat Bob’s nine iron?
Someone had said Bob always had golf on the brain.
What does a zombie plumber love most?
Draaaains
How do you tell the difference between a zombie and a vampire apocalypse?
In a zombie apocalypse the politicians are the only blood suckers
How do you get a zombie to ride a locomotive?
Tell them it’s a traaaain
Why did the zombie leave the weightlifters alone?
They were all brawn and no brain
Why did zombies tear apart the clothing store?
They wanted the brains of the outfit.
How do you trick a zombie into eating something?
Paint it gray
What does a zombie call the four o’clock rush at Denny’s?
A chance to thin the herd
What’s a zombie doctor’s favorite ankle malady?
Spraaains
How would you describe both a zombie ninja and zombie flatulence?
Silent but Undeadly
What do you call a zombie with no arms or legs floating in the ocean toward an isolated island?
Bob the Harbinger of Doom
How do you know everyone at the senior center is a zombie?
The never ending shuffle board tournament.
What do you call the members of the second horde?
Zom-Bs
How do you get the horde to stay in one place at the gym?
Treadmills
What is a Zombie’s favorite nationality?
The Daaanes
Who is the zombie equivalent of the Boogie Man?
Bozo the Clown
What can you do to outsmart a zombie?
Literally anything
Who pays on a zombie’s first date?
Humanity
How do you know if the guy emailing you zombie jokes becomes a zombie?
His punchlines get funnier
What’s the difference between a zombie and a lawyer?
Zombies don’t suck blood.
What does a zombie railroad engineer want to eat?
Braaains, same as every other zombie
What does a zombie want for Christmas?
Your two frontal lobes
When zombies go for their annual checkup, how does the doctor characterize their growth?
Exponential
How can you differentiate between zombies and reality tv stars?
Amount of bronzer used.
What’s a zombie’s favorite comic book villain?
Brainiac
What do zombies call a neurologist’s convention?
Tasty.
What’s a zombie’s favorite precipitation?
Raaain
What’s the difference between a dad joke and a zombie joke?
The sound: groans vs. moans
(Now which kind of joke does this fall into)
A vampire, a ghost, and a zombie walk into a bar. Who walks out?
Two vampire zombies and a still very lonely ghost.
Why did the zombies stalk the Abe Lincoln impersonator?
Mmmm, delicious tall braaains…
What type of arithmetic are zombies great at?
Multiplying
How do you beat a zombie in an IQ test?
Braaains
What do zombies call a group of humans in the morning?
Breakfast
What would a zombie say about artificial intelligence?
Needs salt
What does a zombie nutritionist want to eat?
Graaains
What’s a zombie’s favorite sport?
Shuffleboard
What’s a zombie’s favorite painting?
The Mooooan-a Lisa
What do zombies call a group of hobbits in the late morning?
Second breakfast (or, depending on the time, elevensies)
What’s the most passive aggressive gift you can give a zombie?
A doomsday clock set to 6pm
What do you call a horde of bad zombie jokes?
The apocalypse
How can you tell if your professor is a zombie?
She licks her lips as she passes back tests.
Why did the zombie eat the man’s colander?
The man said he had a brain like a sieve.
What’s a zombie ornithologist’s favorite bird?
Craaanes
What do zombies call a group of humans at midday?
Lunch
How do you know your teacher is a zombie?
Drool spots on the test you aced.
What do zombies call a group of humans at night?
Midnight snack
What kind of apocalypse is it if everyone stumbles out into the light of day, aimless and moaning?
It’s not an apocalypse the Internet’s just down.
What’s scarier than a zombie in a clown suit?
Nothing
What do you call someone who tries to keep all the zombies in his basement?
A horder
What do zombies and your uncle have in common?
Both can kill you with their breath.
What’s gross and rotten and dead all over?
Not a zombie. They’re gross and rotten and undead all over.
Which sports team do zombies love most?
The Braaaves
Who’s the zombies favorite pop star?
Rick Astley his career was dead, till it came back as a joke. (Plus he’s never gonna give you up… or let you down…)
Why did the zombie leave the reality show taping?
He misunderstood what Hoarders meant.
Why did the zombie eat a hat?
It thought it found the brains of the outfit
What are a zombie’s favorite kind of pants?
Smarty pants