Terrible Zombie Jokes

How many human resistance cells does it take to stop the apocalypse?

Hopefully, only one less than last yesterday…

Why did the zombie ransack the throne room?

It wanted the brains behind the thrown.

Why didn’t the dentist like having zombie patients?

The halitosis and, you know, the whole apocalyptic plague thing.

What do zombies call Jeopardy winners?


What’s a zombie’s favorite holiday?

Easter – they love it when someone comes back from the dead

Who’s everybody’s favorite zombie?

Brian – till they realize their spelling mistake

What are even zombies afraid of?


What did the zombie want to do when we met up for lunch to talk about its new opportunity?

Pick my brain.

Why did the zombie eat Bob’s nine iron?

Someone had said Bob always had golf on the brain.

What does a zombie plumber love most?


How do you tell the difference between a zombie and a vampire apocalypse?

In a zombie apocalypse the politicians are the only blood suckers

How do you get a zombie to ride a locomotive?

Tell them it’s a traaaain

Why did the zombie leave the weightlifters alone?

They were all brawn and no brain

Why did zombies tear apart the clothing store?

They wanted the brains of the outfit.

How do you trick a zombie into eating something?

Paint it gray

What does a zombie call the four o’clock rush at Denny’s?

A chance to thin the herd

What’s a zombie doctor’s favorite ankle malady?


How would you describe both a zombie ninja and zombie flatulence?

Silent but Undeadly

What do you call a zombie with no arms or legs floating in the ocean toward an isolated island?

Bob the Harbinger of Doom

How do you know everyone at the senior center is a zombie?

The never ending shuffle board tournament.

What do you call the members of the second horde?


How do you get the horde to stay in one place at the gym?


What is a Zombie’s favorite nationality?

The Daaanes

Who is the zombie equivalent of the Boogie Man?

Bozo the Clown

What can you do to outsmart a zombie?

Literally anything

Who pays on a zombie’s first date?


How do you know if the guy emailing you zombie jokes becomes a zombie?

His punchlines get funnier

What’s the difference between a zombie and a lawyer?

Zombies don’t suck blood.

What does a zombie railroad engineer want to eat?

Braaains, same as every other zombie

What does a zombie want for Christmas?

Your two frontal lobes

When zombies go for their annual checkup, how does the doctor characterize their growth?


How can you differentiate between zombies and reality tv stars?

Amount of bronzer used. 

What’s a zombie’s favorite comic book villain?


What do zombies call a neurologist’s convention?


What’s a zombie’s favorite precipitation?


What’s the difference between a dad joke and a zombie joke?

The sound: groans vs. moans
(Now which kind of joke does this fall into)

A vampire, a ghost, and a zombie walk into a bar.  Who walks out?

Two vampire zombies and a still very lonely ghost.

Why did the zombies stalk the Abe Lincoln impersonator?

Mmmm, delicious tall braaains…

What type of arithmetic are zombies great at?


How do you beat a zombie in an IQ test?


What do zombies call a group of humans in the morning?


What would a zombie say about artificial intelligence?

Needs salt

What does a zombie nutritionist want to eat? 


What’s a zombie’s favorite sport?


What’s a zombie’s favorite painting?

The Mooooan-a Lisa

What do zombies call a group of hobbits in the late morning?

Second breakfast (or, depending on the time, elevensies)

What’s the most passive aggressive gift you can give a zombie?

A doomsday clock set to 6pm

What do you call a horde of bad zombie jokes?

The apocalypse 

How can you tell if your professor is a zombie?

She licks her lips as she passes back tests. 

Why did the zombie eat the man’s colander?

The man said he had a brain like a sieve.

What’s a zombie ornithologist’s favorite bird?


What do zombies call a group of humans at midday?


How do you know your teacher is a zombie?

Drool spots on the test you aced. 

What do zombies call a group of humans at night?

Midnight snack

What kind of apocalypse is it if everyone stumbles out into the light of day, aimless and moaning?

It’s not an apocalypse the Internet’s just down. 

What’s scarier than a zombie in a clown suit?


What do you call someone who tries to keep all the zombies in his basement?

A horder 

What do zombies and your uncle have in common?

Both can kill you with their breath.

What’s gross and rotten and dead all over?

Not a zombie. They’re gross and rotten and undead all over. 

Which sports team do zombies love most?

The Braaaves

Who’s the zombies favorite pop star?

Rick Astley his career was dead, till it came back as a joke. (Plus he’s never gonna give you up… or let you down…)

Why did the zombie leave the reality show taping?

He misunderstood what Hoarders meant.

Why did the zombie eat a hat?

It thought it found the brains of the outfit

What are a zombie’s favorite kind of pants?

Smarty pants